Grief and the Holidays

Charles Dickenson opened his novel A Tale of Two Cities with the line “These are the best of times, and these are the worst of times”.  For those who have lost a loved one in the last year or so, it may be an applicable quote during the upcoming holiday seasons.

We will be surrounded by the best of times including festive decorating, joyful music, household traditions, parties, and of course, the gathering of loved ones.   Those with “fresh grief” facing these holidays may be facing the worst of times emotionally and find it difficult to cope, if not nearly unbearable these next few months.  Even thinking about upcoming events could be a reminder of who is missing.  The deepest grief “usually” happens during the first year after the death.  All the “firsts” happen; the next birthday gathering, the upcoming wedding anniversary, first family vacation, now the first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first New Year…all with an obvious empty chair.  So why is grief so difficult?

Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past and apprehension about the future.  All painful to go through.  All difficult.  And unfortunately, all normal.  Each person grieves their own way.  Each person grieves at their own pace.  You are not going crazy, yet crazy is what it feels like.

EACH PERSON GRIEVES AT THEIR OWN PACE!

Others need to respect the individual’s grieving process by being supportive and available.  We can be the most supportive many times by listening.  Notice, I did not say SIMPLY LISTENING.  At times, the most important action is keeping quiet.  We have all been there.  In counseling circles, it is called talk therapy.  

Is there hope to make the holidays a little less painful?  Yes!  Below are basic guidelines from multiple sources I have confidence in:

• Eat nutritious foods with plenty of fruits and vegetables
• Exercise every day for at least 20–30 minutes
• Get 7–8 hours of sleep each night, keep a regimented bedtime and wake up time
• Keep thoughts balanced and positive as often as possible
• Take steps to control stress, lower expectations to begin with
• Reach out to family and friends, personal grief counseling, a pastor, etc., especially during times of sadness
• Avoid alcohol and non-prescribed drugs
• Finally, pace yourself during the holidays.  Simpler holiday expectations may in on order

A word of caution about feeling ongoing deep sadness that lasts two weeks or more.  Although rare, it may be depression, and it is advised to speak to your doctor.  Depression in nearly all cases is quite easy to treat.  It is not to be ashamed of; I have been treated for depression and occasional anxiety for 30 years.  

For us around a grieving person, be gentle.  Give them space yet be ready when asked to talk, help shovel snow, maybe take a walk, or just be present.  We do not close a chapter on one’s life or forget about them the loved one.  But we can learn to love them in a new way as well as take great comfort knowing the eternity Jesus provides for us and a reunion among all the angels and saints.   

Deacon Gregg

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